Carlisle
by Floatlikeafeather
Summary: Carla's been sectioned and moved to a unit in Carlisle. Peter is desperate to support her but is he strong enough to help pull her through?
1. Day One

Day 1

Peter took a deep breath as he walked towards the entrance to the unit. He was nervous; he knew better than anyone what could face him inside. But at the same time he wanted nothing more than to see her and make sure she was OK, ensure that she felt safe there, at least as safe as she could be right now. He had arrived at the B&B in the early hours, Simon in tow, both worn out from the journey. It was such a comfort to have Simon with him, they had chatted throughout the train ride, irrelevant small talk but it helped take his mind off the previous day's events. He would need to process and come to terms with what happened on the fire escape, but he couldn't yet, it was all too raw. He wondered how much of it Carla would remember, hopefully very little; he would do anything to protect her from having to relive it, at least until she was much stronger. Simon wasn't aware of the details; he obviously knew something had happened, that Carla had been sectioned for her own safety, but Peter wanted the awful truth kept between those who needed to know. Carla was being exposed enough with all this, she had always been a deeply private person and he wanted to maintain this for her as much as possible. When she felt better he knew she would be appalled that everyone was aware of her business and she would hate for people to view her differently, he needed to protect her as much as he could.

He reached the reception desk and waited for a staff member to become free, the exhaustion hitting him as he leaned against the counter. He had managed a few hours sleep, punctured by long periods of wakefulness spent worrying about Carla. He had tried hard not to disturb Simon, who was sleeping a few yards away in the room's other single bed, the soft snoring a welcome sound but not enough to distract from the thoughts whirring through his mind. When he had called the unit the previous evening to check she had got there as expected they had assured him that all was fine, but until he saw her for himself he just couldn't relax.

"Can I help you?"

Peter gathered himself and smiled at the receptionist before asking to be let through to the ward where Carla had been admitted. The butterflies in his stomach became increasingly restless as he reached the door to the closed ward and was met by a nurse, obviously primed by the receptionist that he was on his way.

"Hi, Peter isn't it? I'm Jayne, Carla's been asking for you. I think she's asleep at the moment but if you want to follow me I'll take you to her room."

He followed, taking in his surroundings. it felt tranquil here, quite unlike he was expecting. He could see patients sitting quietly in the common areas, and found himself wondering what had led them here, and how long they had been confined to this world, separated from the realities of their life.

He was summoned from his thoughts as they got to the door to Carla's room. The nurse turned to face him and explained that she was still quite heavily sedated, but the plan was to reduce this over the coming days and assess how she was responding to the medication. He wanted to ask when she would be ready to come home but knew there would be no answer for this right now so didn't, instead asking if there was a limit to his visit time. He was met with an understanding smile, the nurse could obviously sense his unease.

"Well there are usually visiting hours, but for today just take as long as you need, I think you being here might help her to settle in."

With that she moved from the doorway to allow Peter through, pointing to the nurses' station should he need anything and advising him to find her when he was ready to leave.

The room was pretty much as expected, it was very similar to any other hospital room, with a small toilet cubicle just off to one side. The walls looked recently decorated, painted pastel colours, he imagined to both calm the patients and make the place feel less stark. Carla was curled up in her duvet, she looked serene as she slept and Peter sighed to himself as he reached out and gently stroked her hair from her face, being careful not to wake her, wishing he could find a way to take away the agony her consciousness mind brought her. He scanned the room once more before leaning back into the nearby chair to wait for her to rouse.

"Peter?"

He must have dozed off as when he opened his eyes she was looking straight at him, the ghost of a smile on her face, failing to reach her eyes.

"I'm sorry love, I must have fallen asleep, how are you feeling today?"

He leaned forward and gently kissed her lips, making eye contact as he pulled away and reaching to take her hand in his. She squeezed his palm gently and gazed at him as she responded.

"I told them you'd come for me. I didn't know where you were but I knew you would come. They won't let me leave here."

He smiled sadly as he considered his response, he could see her fighting the sedation, every word was an effort for her but he was also glad it was keeping her from the mania of the previous day.

"You've been sectioned, do you remember? You have to stay here and rest for a few weeks until you're feeling better."

She looked confused, clearly not expecting this answer. He had thought she had understood about the move to Carlisle; it had surprised him at the time it was explained to them that she had taken the information so calmly, reassuring him that she would be OK. He wished he could understand what was happening in her mind.

"Please let me come home Peter."

He moved onto the bed and cradled her in his arms as she started sobbing quietly.

"I can't do that my love, you need to get better, but I promise I will help you, and I'll be here with you as much as I can."

She took a deep breath and sighed gently as he stroked her hair and gently kissed her forehead.

"I just want it to stop."

Peter couldn't bring himself to consider the meaning of her words, the rawness of her internal suffering almost causing him to completely lose composure. He fought back tears as he continued to embrace her, asking her to give this a chance for him, to try for a few days more, that things would get better. She nodded at him, holding him like her life depended on him. Trusting him and him alone. He felt the weight of this responsibility and desperately hoped that he was helping, not making things worse.

By the time she eventually fell back to sleep he was completely drained. The nurse saw him leaving the room and came over to offer reassurance as he explained what had happened, she had seen similar situations many times, promised him they would come out the other side. This helped a little, and at least he knew Carla would be safe. He headed back to the B&B, determined to plaster a smile on before seeing Simon, he was so glad his son was there with him, pulling him away from the despair he desperately didn't want to succumb to. He decided they would go out and do something that evening, enjoy this time together despite the circumstances. He needed to stay positive, take things one day at a time. Day one was done, tomorrow would be better.


	2. Day Three

**Authors Note: Firstly, I have no training or experience in mental health, so this is based on what felt like the right approach as I wrote it, and is probably not clinically correct! Secondly there is a lot in this chapter about miscarriage so please avoid if you will find this too upsetting.**

Day Three

Wednesday 5th June. He knew today would be a tough one for him. Peter was sure that nobody else knew the significance of the date. Well one person would, but he doubted Carla would know today's date anyway and he was glad of this. She had seemed brighter when he visited yesterday. She hadn't said much but was definitely slightly calmer; they had sat together on one of the sofas in the lounge for a while, until another patient sat down nearby and Carla had grown uneasy, her paranoia still very much evident. The nurse had warned him that things may well get worse before they improved, the process of withdrawing her sedation would likely increase her symptoms in the coming days, but he was hopeful that the very worst was over.

"Simon! You'll miss breakfast if you don't get a move on!"

His son finally emerged from the bedroom, rubbing his eyes and grumbling that it was too early, and Peter couldn't help but smile. He should count his blessings, Simon was turning into a kind, considerate adult and he was so proud of him. He had even suggested coming to the hospital today to support him, keep him company. Peter was grateful for the offer but wasn't sure how Carla would react, she was too fragile for him to spring a surprise visitor; he explained it would be better to wait a few more days, until everything was more stable. Simon had just nodded but Peter could see the relief on his face, the last he had seen of Carla she would have been her usual self, playfully ribbing him about something, him acting offended, trying not to laugh. Of course he would be frightened to see her now, anybody would be and he didn't want him to feel bad about it. Instead they decided over breakfast that Simon would go shopping in Carlisle for the day; Peter gave him some money and would arrange to meet up with him later for food and the cinema, after he had spent some time with Carla. The breakfast at the B&B was good, so they were soon ready to face the day ahead, sharing a rushed goodbye as they headed their separate ways.

As soon as Peter entered the ward he knew something was wrong, he could hear a commotion and the nurse that met him at the door asked him to take a seat and wait for someone to come and speak to him. He had to hold himself back as he heard screams from Carla's room, he knew the professionals would be doing their job, but as the minutes ticked by he was finding it harder to remain composed. After what felt like an age one of the doctors emerged and made her way towards him. He stood and walked forward to meet her, anxious to know what was going on.

"Peter first of all I want to reassure you that Carla is fine, there has been an incident but she isn't in any danger."

He tried to calm himself as he took this in.

"What sort of incident? Can I see her?"

"Carla got very agitated about forty minutes ago, just before you arrived. She has injured her ear slightly; she was trying to remove a microchip that she believed we had placed there."

Peter's heart sank as he nodded in understanding.

"How badly injured?"

"She used her fingernails so fortunately not too much damage at all, just a fair bit of blood and it has taken us a while to get it dressed and calm her down."

Peter was anxious to see for himself, he tried to keep his focus on the doctor in front of him.

"Do you know what triggered it?"

"Well we did want to check with you if there was any reason today in particular would be upsetting for her; it's just she seemed to be coping well until one of the staff mentioned the date to her. We try to ensure our residents don't lose track of time whilst here, as this can make them more disorientated, but the way she closed off from us and became so frantic makes me think that this was a trigger for her. She is being looked after now, don't worry, and you can see her presently, but any insight you can give would be really valuable"

Peter slumped back into his seat.

"Yes today is significant. It was five years ago today that we lost our baby. Carla had a late miscarriage. The worst thing is I can't tell you how she would normally react as we have never spoken about it, not really."

He met the doctors gaze as she gave him a reassuring smile.

"That would explain a lot about her behaviour. She is internalising her grief, but she is not currently mentally strong enough to deal with that. Do you think you would be able to talk to her about it now? It may help if she can associate how she is feeling with what happened."

Peter felt panic rising, he wouldn't know what to say, what if he made it worse? The doctor clearly realised his concern.

"Don't worry, I'll be right outside. I know it will be upsetting for both of you, but I believe it may help. You can say whatever is on your mind. I don't know if Carla will be very responsive, but just listening to you and being able to link her emotions to what happened will help her."

He knew he had to do it. He owed it to Carla. He stood and walked towards Carla's room.

As he walked in he recoiled slightly as the sight of her. She was sat crossed legged on the bed, her head bowed, a large bandage covering her right ear. An HCA was sitting on the chair nearby reading quietly to her, evidently still working on keeping her calm. She turned as Peter entered, not speaking but reaching out for his hand as he sat next to her, before returning her stare to the bed sheets in front of her. The HCA looked across at the doctor and took her cue to leave, and Peter moved around so he was facing Carla, cupping her chin and raising her head to look her in the eye.

"Carla darling, I want to talk to you, and I need you to listen to me, OK?"

She nodded, her eyes searching his face for reassurance. He pressed his lips to the back of her hand before he continued.

"I want to talk about our baby girl."

He paused to gauge her reaction. She didn't speak, but carried on looking at him, he felt her grip on his hand tighten slightly. He closed his eyes as he spoke.

"I still think about her all the time you know, what she would have looked like, been like. I know she would have been beautiful. I imagine her with long dark hair, large green eyes, a miniature you. She would have been fiery, that goes without saying, how could a daughter of yours not be?"

Tears were now streaking down Peter's cheeks. He had never said any of this out loud before, and it made it more real, he felt the loss more keenly than he had for a long time.

"I think about her too."

He opened his eyes as she spoke and saw she was still looking at him, her tears mirroring his own, pain and loss etched on her face as she continued.

"I miss her every day. I still think about what I could have done differently, how I could have saved her."

He squeezed her hand and shook his head.

"There was nothing you could have done. You were the best mother she could have ever hoped for. If anything what happened was down to me, the stress I put you through. You mustn't blame yourself for any of it. Please believe that, you did nothing but love her."

He leaned forward and wiped the tears from her cheeks, before kissing her forehead softly, silently willing her to believe what he was saying. It felt cathartic for him to finally speak freely about it, he prayed she felt the same. He sat back down, watching her as she spoke again though quiet sobs.

"It was five years today that she died. She would have been starting school this year. I always thought it would be my worst nightmare, but I would give anything to be holding her hand at the school gates, to get to know her friends, talk to her teachers. I loved her so much Peter. I still do"

He pulled her to him, and they cried together for a long while, lost in thoughts of what might have been. Peter felt instinctively that the doctor had been right, that Carla had needed this, he hadn't realised how much he had too. When he could put it off no longer he gently pulled away from their embrace, conscious that Carla would be exhausted and that he needed to let he sleep. As they moved apart she reached up and placed her hand on his cheek, meeting his gaze one last time.

"I love you."

It was barely a whisper but it meant everything to him.

"I love you too. Now get some rest, I'll be back tomorrow."

He went to leave, turning back when he reached the doorway to watch her snuggle into her duvet. She seemed at peace, something that a few hours ago he wouldn't have thought possible. The doctor had gone, caught up with another patient, but he asked a nurse to pass on his thanks, before heading off to meet Si. As he waited at the bus stop he wondered if Carla was already asleep, dreaming of their daughter as he knew he would be tonight. If so he hoped it brought her comfort, and the strength to continue to fight her way back to him.


	3. Day Seven

Day Seven

It had now been a week since they had arrived in Carlisle. In some ways it felt like no time at all, a whirlwind of hospital visits and calls to keep Carla's family informed, a rollercoaster of emotions. At the same time Peter and Simon had already become settled in their new routines. Simon's presence had been a godsend, in fact he was sure he wouldn't have made it this far without him. He had really struggled yesterday evening, not because of any problems with Carla, in fact he had noticed small improvements in her over the last few days; it was more that as things had begun to settle down slightly the full reality of their situation had finally caught up with him. Simon had been watching football on the large TV in the BB's lounge, so Peter retired upstairs to give Johnny his daily update. As he hung up on the conversation he was suddenly overwhelmed by all that had happened in the previous weeks and found himself sobbing uncontrollably. He instantly felt guilty, how could he wallow in self-pity when what he was experiencing was nothing compared to what Carla was going through. He was desperate for a drink, for the first time since they had got there he felt totally out of control. He was at the point of giving in when Simon walked into the bedroom; it was as if he had sensed his dad needed him. He was brilliant, so mature, listening and reassuring as Peter talked about how he had failed Carla, how he wished he could do more. By the end of the conversation the cravings had subsided, at least for the moment, and that was enough for now.

It was an important day at the hospital, Carla's first weekly review, and Peter was keen to be there to support her. He got to the unit about 15 minutes before the meeting was due to start, and found Carla pacing nervously in her room; she didn't notice him at first, lost in her own thoughts.

"Hi love, how are you feeling today?"

She looked up, startled, and gave him a quick kiss before continuing with her laps of the room. He began to worry.

"What's wrong? You know you can talk to me."

Carla took his hand and led him to sit with her on the bed.

"I'm scared Peter. What if they say I'm not getting better? Everyone thinks I'm crazy don't they, why else would I be here? I don't know what it is they want from me."

"Oh baby, that's not what today is about. All you need to do is tell them the truth, everyone is here to help you. You don't need to worry at all. I'll be there with you, you know that."

The fact she was confiding in him confirmed to Peter the progress she was making. She kept a tight hold of his hand as they went into the review meeting. It was kept as relaxed as possible, with the various people involved in Carla's care sat around on comfy chairs. The meeting wasn't long. There was a brief chat about Carla's diagnosis; all agreed that it was a psychotic episode linked to the trauma of the factory roof and her guilt associated with that. The consensus was that Carla was clearly heading in the right direction and her mania was now under control, but she needed to be able to communicate more with both staff and other patients whilst in the unit; currently her paranoia was preventing this and therefore delaying the next phase of her treatment so there was discussion about altering her medication slightly, to see if this helped. The whole time Carla sat there avoiding eye contact, seemingly unable to answer the questions directed at her, not letting go of Peter's hand; the improvements he had seen when there was just the two of them were much less evident here. When he raised this in the room it was explained that this was very common and nothing to be overly worried about, patients often initially struggle to cope in situations they find stressful, but it was important that Carla was included in the meetings, and that as she continued to recover the hope was that she would be able to take a more active part in future discussions.

When they got back to her room Carla seemed deflated; initially she refused to talk to him, but Peter wasn't prepared to leave her until she'd opened up about how she was feeling. He re-iterated the positives he had taken from the review; she was making clear progress and they'd given her extra privileges such as unescorted time in the garden. Eventually she admitted that she had wanted them to say she was ready to leave, and she still couldn't understand why they were keeping her here when she was taking her medication and had done everything they had asked. Peter decided honesty was the only approach.

"I don't think you're ready to leave yet love. You're doing really well and I'm so proud of you, but you are still not yourself and you need to trust the people here to help you. You will get there; you just need patience."

Carla didn't respond, but seemed to be pondering on what he had said; when he went to leave she called after him and as he turned she finally spoke.

"You're right, I still don't feel like myself. I don't even know who that is anymore. I just want to feel safe, for everything to be normal again; to go back to before."

How he wished that this was an option. There were so many things he would do differently. The only thing he was certain of was that no matter what happened, he would never let her go.


	4. Day Twelve

Day Twelve

The day of Simon's first visit to the hospital. He had assured his dad that he wanted to come, but when they arrived at reception Peter could see his apprehension; he hung back as his dad went to sign them in, needing gentle coaxing as they approached the ward.

"Come on Si, it's really not as scary here as you think it will be. It means a lot to Carla that you want to see her you know."

Simon needed no more encouragement than this, and Peter watched as he straightened his posture, determined not to let on his fears as they headed through the security doors.

Carla was in the lounge area with her back to them, playing cards with another patient. Peter was thrilled with the progress she was making and felt bad disturbing her, she had come on so much in the last couple of days it had taken him by surprise. He had begun to see his Carla, the woman he was worried he had lost forever, re-emerge from the prison her mind had trapped her in. The first time they had sat and just chatted about life back home felt like such a massive step. The saga of Sally's horse had made her smile, and she seemed interested in the gossip Peter relayed from Ken's updates, although she avoided talking about her family or the factory, and Peter was careful not to push her. This was why he had decided it was time for Simon to visit, he really thought she could cope with it and when he'd asked her she had seemed keen, if a little nervous.

A loud scream from a room behind them made both Peter and Simon jump, a stark reminder of where they were and what others were going through. Peter noticed Simon edge closer to him as he turned to see where it originated, and saw various staff rushing to one of the doors at the far end of the ward. The noise had also disturbed Carla, and as he looked back over she was making her way to them, greeting Peter first before turning shyly to his son, both looking at the other unsure how to proceed. It was Simon who broke the tension, stepping forward to hug his stepmom, telling her how glad he was to see her. Peter saw tears well in Carla's eyes at this gesture, it clearly meant a huge deal to her, and she visibly relaxed as they all sat on the nearby sofa; she asked Simon about school and how he was finding life in Carlisle, laughing and joining in as he teased his dad about his snoring. He told her his plans for the afternoon; there was a music event in the town that he was looking forward to, the reason he couldn't visit for long. All too soon it was time for Simon to leave, Carla's disappointment evident as she thanked him for coming and he promised to visit again soon. As he walked Simon back out of the building, Peter asked him if he was glad he'd come.

"I don't know dad. She seems mostly OK. It's just strange seeing her in there like that. I just want her better so she can come home, I'm glad she's got you to help her."

Peter's heart swelled as he ruffled his son's hair affectionately.

"And I'm glad I've got you. Now be off with you, else you'll miss your bus."

Carla was waiting for him as he got back to the ward, a broad smile greeting him as she told him that the nurse on duty had agreed that they could go for a walk in the hospital grounds and make the most of the sunshine. It was easily the happiest he had seen her since the accident, and he couldn't help but share in her excitement. As they reached the door to the gardens a nurse was advising Peter on when they needed to be back but was struggling to concentrate; Carla was practically dragging him forward, impatient to get away. She linked her arm through his as they headed down the path away from the main building, leaning into him as she led him towards a secluded area away from the pavement and into an area of thick shrubbery. He began to panic that this might be a sign of her paranoia, that she was trying to escape some invisible enemy, when she spun around and kissed him passionately, eyes closed, hands caressing his hair, pulling him towards her. His initial shock was replaced by exhilaration, he wrapped his arms around her waist and deepened the kiss, their tongues intertwining, both completely caught up in the moment, neither wanting it to end. A sound in the bushes nearby brought them crashing back to earth, and they pulled apart just as a groundsman came into view. Noticing them he shouted for them to stay off the grass, pointing to the nearby sign to make his point clearer. Carla collapsed into giggles as they hurried back to the path, and Peter couldn't stop himself from joining in, struggling to compose himself as he tried to speak.

"I feel like a school kid caught smoking by a teacher or something."

Carla smiled up at him, a twinkle in her eye.

"Well at least I know I've still got it Barlow, even if I am crazy."

She moved forward and kissed his cheek before walking away down the path. Peter stood for a few seconds, watching her, before jogging to catch up, wrapping his arm around her as they continued their walk. They were both silent for a while, Carla clearly relishing the freedom of being outside, both enjoying the others company, before Carla stopped and turned to him, suddenly serious.

""Can I ask you something, will you be honest with me?"

He nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"Was I OK with Simon today? I didn't scare him, did I?"

Back to reality with a bump. He shook his head.

"No of course not, he was just glad to see you. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, it's just I have been thinking about some of the other patients on the ward, the way they act sometimes, it made me realise that if I'm the same then maybe I don't know how ill I am, not really. I have these flashbacks sometimes, and I don't know if they actually happened or not, but it scares me that I might not know what is real and what isn't anymore, does that make sense?"

He nodded. He could see the self-doubt now in her eyes, he couldn't imagine how she must be feeling, unable to trust what her mind was telling her.

"Being totally honest, you were in a bad way for a while, and it was scary for me and your family. But you are improving every day, the medication is doing its job now and from how you've been today, nobody would know what you had been through."

She smiled at him.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, and for not giving up on me. Come on, we're gonna be late back if we don't hurry, don't you be getting me into trouble."

She grabbed his hand and they started their route back to the hospital entrance, the conversation, and Carla's brief escape from the reality she was facing, evidently over.


	5. Day Seventeen

Day Seventeen

"Uno! Come on Peter, pay attention!"

Carla swiped at him playfully as he slammed his cards down in mock disgust at losing yet another hand. They had been sat on one of the sofas playing for about half an hour, a habit they had formed over the past few days; as Carla continued to improve she seemed keen to play the various games on offer to keep her mind occupied and relieve the boredom, and Peter obliged willingly, pleased she seemed settled in the unit now. The doctors were still happy with how she was progressing, although they advised Peter that when he wasn't there she would sometimes sink back into a depression, still unable to shake her feelings of self-hatred; her counselling sessions and medication would take time to reach their full effectiveness and so they were unwilling to discuss her discharge until this was more under control. Peter had been a little relieved at this news; as much as he wanted her home he couldn't forget his previous disastrous attempt to care for her. This time he would make sure that she was ready, he couldn't fail her again. Watching her now as she dealt a new hand of cards to them both he felt guilty about his apprehension, she was clearly so much better than before, and he was eternally grateful for that.

He tried to focus his mind back on the game but couldn't help but keep one eye on the time. Roy would be arriving soon, and Peter was nervous on how he would be received. Carla had asked after him numerous times since she'd been there, but when Peter had tried to press her further about him visiting her she clammed up and he wasn't sure if it was because she still didn't trust him, or if she was now self-aware enough to be embarrassed by her current situation. There was only one way to find out, and the medical team had agreed that the best test would be to gauge her reaction on the day. She had been told he was coming of course, Peter would never have sprung that on her; but since she had found out yesterday there had been no reaction, like she had blanked the whole conversation from her mind, which Peter found more worrying as time went on. Deciding he needed to broach the subject one last time before it was too late, he put his cards down on the table in front of him and turned to face her, taking her hand in his.

""What is it Peter, are you worried that I'll beat..."

She stopped mid-sentence and grasped his hand, her breathing quickening as she looked past him towards where Roy was now standing talking quietly to a nurse. Peter held his breath as she stood up and started walking towards them, her pace quickening as Roy looked over at her before spotting Peter still seated behind. The two men shared a look of panic, neither expecting her to respond this way, before Roy's attention returned to Carla; she had almost reached him and Peter watched his whole demeaner change as he realised her intentions. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a hug which Roy, although awkward as he always was in such situations, did his best to return, dropping his bag to the floor as he let her hold him, rubbing her back gently as she dissolved into tears.

After a few moments she composed herself enough to step back and meet Roy's gaze, before taking his hand and leading him back to the sofa. Peter rose and greeted him warmly, before all three sat down, Carla leaning into Peter but still clutching Roy's hand. Roy was first to speak.

"It's so good to see you Carla, I wanted to come sooner but was worried it would upset you."

Carla wiped her tears away with her free hand,

"I've missed you so much Roy. I'm sorry about everything, all I do is cause you trouble."

Peter could see the pain in Roy's eyes as they both realised why Carla had been so closed off about him visiting. Once again she was blaming herself as she always did, carrying guilt that had no basis to exist. He watched as Roy gently tried to reason with her, comfort her; wiping away her fresh tears as he explained how he loved her and didn't blame her for anything. She continued to cry as he told her that he should have listened to her and supported her all those weeks ago, instead of asking her to leave. Peter felt he was intruding in this private moment between them so made his excuses and went off to get a drink, before taking a seat away from them, just out of earshot. He watched them from a distance as they both relaxed into a clearly less emotive conversation and he felt a surge of gratitude towards Roy. He had been the one who was always there for Carla when others, Peter included, had let her down. Peter still remembered after his affair with Tina came out that Roy had been the one to reach out to her when she tried her best to shut herself off, standing up to Peter for her, his kind words and council protecting her from her own self destruction. He had always stepped up when others had failed her, and Peter knew that she thought of him as a father; Johnny may be her blood relative, but it was Roy who had that unspoken connection to her that meant so much more. Roy had already offered them his flat when she was discharged, telling Peter that he would do whatever was best for Carla, even if that meant him moving out for an extended period. Peter had yet to discuss this with her but knew it was the place she felt most safe, that Roy had made it a home for her and it would be the best option for her recovery. From today's encounter he had renewed hope that Roy would now be accepted there too; dysfunctional it may be, but they were her family and would make it work. He put his now empty cup down on the table and looked back over to where they were both sitting to find Carla staring back at him, Roy looking bemused next to her.

"Peter, we're going to play scrabble, are you joining in or what?"

He smiled to himself as he headed back over to them, he normally hated scrabble, but today he could make an exception.


	6. Day Twenty-Two

Day Twenty-Two

Peter leaned back into the leather sofa nestled away in the corner of the pub and sighed contentedly. Today had been another good day, and this evening had been the icing on the cake. Part of him wished that time could stop; there were so many challenges still to face, but at this moment he felt Carla was truly on her way back to him, back to herself, and this was more than he had dared to hope for all those weeks ago. She had gone to the ladies, so he used the few minutes without her holding his attention to reflect on the events of the day.

It had started in a less positive way. When he had reached the unit at lunchtime he had been met by a nervous Carla; she always got unsettled before the meetings about her progress and the one today was no exception. He had reassured her as he always tried to, but it was times like this that her paranoia came to the fore, she worried that they would never let her home, and as much as she had come to feel safe and secure in hospital she was desperate now to have her independence back; she felt ready to face the world again. Peter had to admit he still felt apprehensive, it was a big step for her and he didn't want it all to be too much; the memories from that day on the fire escape were never far from his mind, although another part of him longed for them to be able to make plans for the future, to start building their life together again. The meeting had actually gone very well; the medical team confirming what Peter was seeing, that Carla's improvements were sustained and her symptoms more under control every day. It had been agreed that barring unexpected changes in her condition, and with a clear support team in place, she would be ready to leave at the end of the 28 days which was in six days' time. He could see how thrilled Carla was with this news, her worried expression replaced with a beaming smile and jovial mood, which made the timing of her evening's leave from the unit even better.

He smiled as he saw her coming out of the toilets, she took a few seconds to get her bearings before spotting him and making a beeline for him, settling back into position nestled by his side, one of his arms draped casually around her shoulders while she lazily played with the fingers of his other hand. They had already eaten, the torrential rain that hadn't stopped all day had dashed any plans they had of a pre-dinner walk, so they had holed up in this pub a couple of hours ago, and neither of them had any inclination to leave. She had to be back by ten, which gave them another hour before they'd have to drag themselves away from this little idyll.

"Do you want another drink baby?"

She was already moving as she spoke, her hand in his pocket deftly grabbing his wallet, eyes locked on his as she waited for an answer. He leaned forward and kissed her softly, enjoying seeing her so carefree and relaxed, and she responded readily, thoughts of refreshments temporarily forgotten as she sat back down and pulled him towards him, a spark of electricity passing between them as they savoured the intimacy for a few seconds, before remembering where they were and reluctantly moving apart.

"Not long now love 'til you'll have me all to yourself; an orange juice was it?"

She grinned as she walked off, clearly enjoying the fact he was struggling to take his eyes off her; she had put some make up for the first time today since she'd been at the unit but he didn't care about that. He was drawn to her, she had always had this effect on him; he couldn't put his finger on what it was that made her impossible to resist but tonight, watching her so uninhibited and happy he knew that she still owned his heart, and always would. She stopped just before she reached the bar, and bent down to fuss the owners Labrador, who had been patiently lying under one of the tables since they had arrived, its tail wagging hopefully every time someone passed by. As she returned to Peter with the drinks it followed, settling by her feet as she curled back into Peters arms.

"Maybe we should get a dog."

Peter was taken aback by the suggestion,

"I'm sure Roy would love that, traipsing mud through the café!"

"No, I mean when we get our own place again, we could get a rescue dog, another damaged soul, we can all heal together."

This was the first time Carla had really talked about life after the unit, so Peter decided to probe further.

"Have you thought much about the future love? I'm glad I feature in your plans."

She stared up at him, her mood switching from playful to thoughtful.

"Of course you feature in them, I'm not letting you go again. I don't know what's going to happen when I come home, but I feel safer with you by my side."

She kissed his cheek as he held her close.

"I am scared about the future Peter, what my life will be like. I can't go back to the factory; I know that much, but I'm not sure what I'll be without it, or how people will react, knowing what has happened."

He stroked her cheek gently as he attempted to calm her fears,

"Our life can be whatever we want it to be, you don't have to make any decisions yet, about the factory or anything else. Why don't you see how you feel in a few weeks, then we can start planning properly. Don't worry about other people, those who matter are on our side, and everyone else can get stuffed."

She sighed wearily and Peter decided to change the subject, he didn't want to ruin today by pushing her too hard.

"So what breed of dog shall we rescue then?"

Carla giggled, as the mood lightened again.

"Well if we need a breed to match its owners it definitely needs to be a mongrel…"


	7. Day Twenty-Five

**_So this is a bit of a longer chapter than I usually write. I found this a tricky one so I hope I've done it justice. Thanks to all who are continuing to read, fortunately it's not long now til they're back on our screens!_**

Day Twenty-Five

Peter was a bit late getting to the hospital; Simon had decided to go back to Weatherfield early as Leanne had planned a day out for them, so it had been a busy morning getting him packed up and onto the train. It was only a few days until Peter himself would be going back but he was still sad to see his son go; he had enjoyed spending quality time with him and felt their relationship had really benefitted. He felt so guilty that it had taken the trauma of recent events to remind him what a sensitive, compassionate man Simon was quickly becoming, so resolved that whatever else was going on in the coming months he would continue make time and ensure their relationship was not neglected. For the next three days though, Carla would be his sole focus.

She was waiting for him when he reached the unit, he could see her pacing as he reached the doorway and was hit with a sense of dread. He hadn't seen her like this for weeks and instantly panicked that all the progress made had dissolved overnight. When she caught sight of him she came straight over, pulling him into a tight hug, before leading him into her room and shutting the door, perching nervously on the edge of her bed.

"Where were you? I was worried."

"I'm only a few minutes late love, I told you I was seeing off Simon, remember? Why has something happened?"

She shook her head, maintaining eye contact but not speaking, and he could tell there was something she was struggling to find the words to say.

"You can tell me anything, you know that."

"I do know that, of course I do. I need to ask you something, but I'm scared of what might happen; if it will be too much for both of us."

Carla looked down, suddenly unwilling to meet his gaze. He reached out for her hand and sat down next to her, waiting patiently in the silence until she was ready to continue.

"I have a meeting with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I want you to be there too."

He turned towards her, brushing the hair from her face.

"Of course I can be love, why would you worry about asking that?"

"Because I want to talk about what happened when I was really ill, what led to me being sectioned. I think I remember parts of it but I need to know before I go back there. I couldn't face having other people know the details when I don't know myself."

Peter's heart sank, he had been dreading this.

"Are you sure that's a good idea sweetheart, that it won't be too traumatic for you?"

"Honestly, I don't know; but Andrew, my doctor thinks it may help stop some of the nightmares I've been having over the last few days, that it may all be linked. I know I'm asking a lot of you."

Once again she was worried more for him than herself. Peter wished he could erase that day from his memory; the last thing he wanted was to go back over every horrifying moment, but if it could help her then he really had no choice. This didn't stop him from being petrified of what it might mean for Carla though, he had thought up until now that her ignorance to the events had been a blessing, one less trauma for her fragile brain to process. Now he realised that it was just prolonging her agony, of course she would need to know, and maybe this would allow her to move on and start to rebuild her life. He continued to stroke her hair, pleased as she visibly relaxed at his touch.

"I will do whatever you need me to. Now shall we talk about something else for a bit?"

An hour later and they were in one of the consulting rooms waiting for Andrew to start the session. Peter wasn't sure who was most nervous; Carla was picking at her nails, a sure sign that she was uncomfortable with the situation, and he was struggling to sit still or focus on anything except the worry over what was about to occur.

"Shall we get started then?" Andrew strode purposefully into the room, offering a reassuring smile to them both before settling into an easy chair just across from where they were sat, Peter's arm draped carefully around Carla's shoulders as if trying to protect her from what was to come.

They started at the point Carla's memories first became blurry, right back to Aiden's birthday and the following days. As she talked Peter realised how much of her behaviour he had ignored, there had been so many signs she was struggling, she had been so withdrawn and unresponsive in those early days and he silently cursed himself that he hadn't been more attentive, that if he had taken action back then he could have saved her from all of this. She could remember the early events pretty well with some gentle probing; the hardest part was rationalising her behaviour and he watched her troubled expression as she tried to make sense of actions which now seemed so strange to her, that she now understood were signs of her paranoia and psychosis. She started to get upset as she remembered her attempts to get in contact Rana, and Andrew was keen to not let her dwell for too long on this, gently going through the breathing techniques that they had obvious practiced in previous sessions to calm her until she was ready to continue.

They got to the day she disappeared from the medical centre. This was the first date she had real trouble piecing together; Peter struggled to maintain his composure as he relayed what his dad told him about that morning, before moving on to his own memories of finding her confused and frightened outside the factory; how he had managed to convince her to speak to Toyah, how she had made her escape the moment she had been left alone. Carla thought about this for a few seconds before taking a deep breath, looking at Peter as she spoke.

"I do remember parts of it, feelings mostly. I was so scared Peter, I thought it was a trap, that Toyah was spying for Imran and that you must have been in on it too. That's why I didn't want you to see me at the house on my old estate, when you and Johnny were looking for me. I just wanted you both to go and leave me alone, it seems so stupid now, hiding from you, but at the time I was terrified you were all against me."

Peter felt the breath catch in his chest. She had been there, she had seen him, that day when he had lost all hope. If only he'd searched the squat before leaving, trusted his instincts instead of listening to Johnny she could have been back weeks earlier and he wouldn't have relapsed. He saw Carla staring at him and tried to smile at her reassuringly, but he could tell he was convincing nobody.

"Do you need to take a break Peter?"

The doctor was studying him closely, and he suddenly felt very exposed. He looked back at Carla, she appeared to be coping with this better than him, he admired her courage and didn't want to let her down now.

"No, I'm fine to continue as long as Carla is."

Andrew nodded and carried on with the meeting, his attention turning back to Carla as they discussed her time away from the street; a period Peter could offer no assistance with. Seeing her distress at the realisation that large chunks of this time were likely to remain a mystery, with no witnesses to help her piece the fragments together, he now understood her need find out whatever she could; in her eyes the truth could not be worse than what her mind conjured up. Peter wasn't so sure.

The meeting was long and Peter already felt drained when they finally reached the day he had been dreading. Carla had been asked on a number of occasions over the last hour or so if she wanted to stop, to carry on at a later date, but she had remained firm, she wanted this done today however long it took, and Andrew had agreed that she was coping OK and that he was happy for them to continue. Carla admitted that her memories of 31st May were extremely confused, that this was the day she was most worried about. Peter was concerned that she had sensed his unease already and he felt the tension in the room rise to almost unbearable levels.

"I remember being in a park, talking to a lady. But she wouldn't help me, she walked off and left me. It was then I saw Hayley, well I thought I did. I know now that it's impossible, but it still feels so real. I remember following her, but then I lost her and I was so frightened that I wouldn't be able to find her again.

Peter was finding it a challenge to control his breathing. Hearing Carla's version of events was making it even harder to relive what happened. He could see the tears forming in her eyes and wished he could save her from this. Save them both.

"The next thing I remember is Rana being there. I tried to apologise but she didn't listen. I was up high; I don't remember how I got there. Aiden was there. He was so real, I touched him, I spoke to him. I couldn't understand why he would come for me. I didn't deserve it; I didn't deserve anything. How could he have been there? Peter, please help me understand."

"I'm sorry I can't do this."

He got up and practically ran out of the room, just about managing to wait for the door to swing closed before breaking down, slumping against the wall, not caring who saw. He had worked so hard to push these memories to the back of his mind; if he wasn't strong enough to deal with them then how could Carla be? He sat for a few minutes, trying to calm himself enough to go back into the room. He cursed himself on his weakness, his selfishness. He had walked out on Carla at the moment she asked him for help, after promising he would always be there. He was letting her down again. He heard the down open and looked up to see Andrew standing over him.

"Is Carla alright, I'm sorry, I just couldn't face it."

Andrew put a supportive hand on his shoulder, moving to sit down next to him.

"Carla is fine, she is taking a break for a few minutes; to be honest she was more concerned that you were OK."

That sounded like the Carla Peter knew, he went to get up, suddenly desperate to get back to her.

"Wait just a second. I need you to know before we continue that we are doing the right thing. I honestly believe it is benefitting her, and I think it will help you too. Your reaction is to be expected Peter, remember you have also been through a trauma and although it might not feel that way right now, speaking about it may well help you move forward, just like it will Carla. Do you want to take a few more minutes? I'll go back in and continue; you join us when you feel ready."

Peter nodded, taking a deep breath and climbing to his feet. He could get through this. He went to get a glass of water and compose himself before quietly re-entering the consulting room; Andrew signalling for him to sit back down next to Carla, who smiled at him as she retook his hand, rubbing his fingers reassuringly. He listened as they continued the conversation. The doctor was asking why Carla thought she had the hallucinations she did, and after some thought she responded that they were the people she greaved for the most, felt the most guilt about. They were the emotions that she had been unable to deal with, that she had internalised, some for a very long time. Peter was watching her reactions intently and she seemed to find some comfort in this realisation, although he just felt sad that she had suffered this pain for so long. The conversation then turned back to the fire escape, Carla again asking Peter if he could tell her what happened, pleading for the truth.

"The reason Aiden felt so real was that it was me sweetheart. I was there with you, trying to help you. I wanted to get you down from there, to help you but in all honesty, I didn't know how. You were so lost up there that you thought I was Aiden, you kept saying how bad you were, how you were rotten, and it broke my heart."

Carla was now sobbing; Peter looked to Andrew for guidance, who nodded for him to continue. He kissed her hand, and then pulled her closer to him. He needed to say this now, get it over with.

"You tried to throw yourself from the fire escape Carla. I had to grab you and pull you back. That's why you needed to be sectioned. I'm sorry my darling, I truly am."

They were both crying now, holding on to each other, comforting each other, Peter forgetting that Andrew was in the room until he heard his voice.

"Thank you for being so honest Peter. Carla, are you ready to talk? How do you feel hearing that?"

Carla looked up at Peter as he went to wipe her tears away, before closing her eyes as she tried to find the words to respond.

"I remember feeling like that, feeling evil, an awful person; that's why I was sure people were after me, because they could see the real me. I'm so sorry Peter, that I put you through that."

Peter squeezed her hand gently, trying to comfort her as best he could as Andrew continued.

"And how do you feel now?"

"Not like that. I mean, I still can't forgive myself for what happened. I don't know if I ever will. But I am working on how I can do better. I know now that I'm not evil, everybody is a mixture of good and bad; I have made some bad decisions which I will have to live with, but I want to be alive. I want to build a life with Peter, if you still want to?"

She attempted to smile through her tears as Peter held her face in his palms, and kissed her softly. He loved her so damn much and had never felt closer to her than he did in that moment.

"Of course I do my love. More than anything. You are amazing, and don't you ever think otherwise."

After checking with them both that there was nothing further to discuss Andrew declared the session at an end and Peter rose from the sofa to thank him, to admit he had been right all along; He felt like a weight had been lifted, he and Carla were both exhausted but the bond between them had somehow strengthened even further, he felt like they could now face anything that life threw at them. They sat for a while enjoying the feeling of calm that had now descended before he walked Carla back to her room, wishing he could stay with her just a bit longer, right now he needed her as much as she did him. It was only three days until she would be home with him but even this felt too far away. He gently kissed her goodbye, as she continued to hold him close, unwilling to let him go as she whispered in his ear,

"I love you so much baby. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you for saving my life."


	8. Day Twenty-Eight

**Thank you for sticking with this story and for the lovely reviews. I hope it has bridged the gap slightly while Carla and Peter have been off our screens. Here's hoping for some good scenes when they return!**

**Day Twenty-Eight**

The day had finally come, it was time for Carla to come home. Peter felt such conflicting emotions, on one hand this was the day he had hoped for from the moment they had arrived in Carlisle, on the other he worried how Carla would cope without the security of the unit; what if all the hard work would be undone with no support team constantly around her? What if she stopped taking her meds? He felt guilty thinking this way, doubting her, but having seen her at her worst he would do anything to stop her going back there again.

Michelle had arrived the previous evening, ready to drive them home and the two of them had spent a surprisingly pleasant evening reminiscing about happier times, back when she and Steve made up their little foursome, sharing meals out and relaxed evenings, back when life seemed so much simpler. Well until he had screwed it all up anyway. He was glad that he and Michelle were now back on good terms; like Roy she had been such a support to Carla over the years, and she was one of very few people who fully knew all that she had been through, probably more so than he did. After all she had been there through her early years, a time Carla had always been hesitant to talk about and Peter knew enough from the snippets she had shared to understand why. He had resented Michelle's protectiveness of her friend in recent times, after all it was none of her business whether Carla had let him get close to her again; but in retrospect he felt grateful that Carla had someone who cared enough for her, after all, he couldn't argue the fact that he had caused her untold pain in the past, and who wouldn't want to protect their best friend from going through that again. He was relieved that Michelle now trusted him, as they had sat chatting she had thanked him again for what he'd done for Carla over the last few weeks, she seemed to understand that for him it wasn't even a choice, he wouldn't have been anywhere else.

At some point in the evening talk had turned to what the future held; Michelle seemed happy and settled now she had reunited with Robert, but he knew his and Carla's future looked more uncertain. He had no idea if or when she would be ready to return to the factory, or how people on the street would respond to her, and he couldn't ignore the fact that they needed money; he couldn't expect Roy to put them up for free but would he be able to leave her to go and work? Michelle had promised him that she would help out with Carla whenever he needed her to, and knowing that he was not dealing with everything alone gave him more hope that Carla's homecoming could be a success.

As they arrived at the hospital Peter saw Michelle stiffen, he had become so used to the routine he had almost forgotten how daunting it was the first time, so he made sure to slow down and reassure her as they headed to the ward. Carla was waiting for them, he watched her face light up as she caught sight of Michelle, who burst into tears as she embraced her best friend, telling her how much she'd missed her, how glad that she was coming home. Carla seemed surprisingly calm; Peter took this as a good sign, that she felt ready to take this next step. They sat and had a coffee while they waited for her to be officially discharged, Carla catching up on the news of Michelle's engagement, asking after Ryan and Ali, and even questioning her about Kate. Peter worried that particular reunion had the potential to be a tricky one but was glad that Carla seemed to be facing into it, he hoped that Kate would be understanding and not push her too hard when they did finally talk. Eventually Carla's doctor was ready to let them leave. Peter saw Carla's composure waiver slightly as they went through her medication regime, he squeezed her hand gently in reassurance, to let her know that she would be OK, that between them they'd got this.

After tearful goodbyes to the staff and patients, they were finally on the long drive home. Peter sat in the back with Carla, their fingers interlocking comfortably as they sat quietly listening to the radio. Carla was staring out of the window at the passing countryside, Peter unable to take his eyes off her, counting his blessings that she was there with him. Eventually she turned to him, her expression serious and he could tell she was worried about something.

"What is it love? Do you want to talk?"

"I'm OK I promise, it's just I know things are going to be different now, what if I don't fit in there anymore? I know people will still hate me and I'm not sure I can cope with that every day, and you shouldn't have to either."

Michelle got in before him.

"Well that's rubbish, of course you'll fit in, your family's there, and Roy, and we've all been lost these past weeks without you. If anyone says anything to you then you tell me alright, and I'll sort them out!"

Peter smiled, he had been on the wrong side of Michelle so knew exactly what that meant, and he certainly wasn't planning on being there again. Carla seemed slightly less tense, but he could tell she was still nervous, so he leaned across to gently kiss her forehead before adding to Michelle's words.

"Too right love, I certainly wouldn't mess with her. You've always had our backs when it counted, so now we've got yours. This is a fresh start for both you and me and while it might be a bit tough to start with, we will make it and it will be amazing."

"I guess I can't argue with that then."

He watched her as she relaxed into him, eyes closed, her head resting on his shoulder. Michelle smiled at him through the rear-view mirror, and he nodded in return. They would be Carla's support network for as long as she needed them.

The journey continued for a while longer before the calm was disturbed by Michelle singing quietly in the front to some cheesy song from the nineties he didn't even recognise. Before he knew it Carla had joined in and soon both were singing at the top of their lungs; it wasn't exactly tuneful, but the joy of the normalcy of it all was infectious and he found himself grinning as he watched the woman he loved enjoying the moment, the worries of the past and future forgotten. In that instant her felt sure of it, she was going to be OK.


End file.
